the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
this is an emotional support booty call
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
