Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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