she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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