Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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