That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
