sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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