Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
