it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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