I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
