The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
