i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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