I want to stick my p in your. b.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
