You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
