I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
