this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
