She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
