So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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