Your mouth is God's brothel.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
