Just fell off a train. Bad.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
