Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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