He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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