i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
