i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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