I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
