I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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