you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
