Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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