he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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