Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
