New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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