I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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