what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
