I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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