Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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