I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
