Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
