"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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