I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
