how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
