im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
