i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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