Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
