ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
