i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
