There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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