His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
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