I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
