wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
