I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
