it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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