I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
