im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
